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Real Life, Writing

Old is new again

I got my year end summary and realized that I only posted 25 times last year.
That is just sad.
Will try to do better this year.

While doing holiday cleaning, I found a poem on the floor. It’s old. I can tell by the yellow paper, but what I can’t tell is if it is good or total crap. Oh well, you decide. I’m posting this and then I’ll throw the paper away.

I am not alive
I am not alive
I exist, I am
But I am not alive

I can not survive
I can not survive
I fight, I cry
But I can not survive

I have not been born
I have not been born
I see, I think
I love, I hate
But I have not been born

I can’t help but morn
I can’t help but morn
I’m sick, I hear
I’m used, I use
But I can’t help but morn

There was text on the other side. Seems like existential angst. The paper is very yellowed. I must have been very young: 16 – 18 years old. I kept it folded up, and never threw it away. Today I will, but perhaps I will be able to remember how I felt when I wrote this. Oh well, here we go:

I am many people, yet only one. I argue against myself and for myself. I am strange and so full of many people’s combined energies. Some things I adore and hate at the same time. My life is a confusing mass. I knew not what to do so I worked. I realized something must be done even though I didn’t realize it, so every day before I came to school I’d say, “Okay, who am I today?” Then I would assume a role: The princess, the soldier, the diplomat, La Princesa, etc. On weekends I would allow myself to be Aless, or Leor or Nera. Never myself, never ever myself.
I took only one track at a time or maybe two. I was so knowledgable of who I was then. I’d ask myself over and over, “Who am I?” “What am I?” and I would answer “A collection of cells,” “a cadet,” etc. but never Rosalyn.

Actual sex is depressing. [I’m only talking about kissing, okay?]
Today I am Rosalyn, a dangerous state where lives live simultaneously.
How I long for violence. How I love bloody deaths and disgusting things. How I loathe and adore such things as that.
L mode is my savior
An ordered reliable state.
See, look and see how my thoughts wander.
Many thoughts.
Many people’s thoughts.
Yet only mine.

About rozzychan

Rosalyn Hunter is the principal writer on the series Lunatics. Please support us. http://lunatics.tv


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