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Real Life, Writing

Old is new again

I got my year end summary and realized that I only posted 25 times last year.
That is just sad.
Will try to do better this year.

While doing holiday cleaning, I found a poem on the floor. It’s old. I can tell by the yellow paper, but what I can’t tell is if it is good or total crap. Oh well, you decide. I’m posting this and then I’ll throw the paper away.

I am not alive
I am not alive
I exist, I am
But I am not alive

I can not survive
I can not survive
I fight, I cry
But I can not survive

I have not been born
I have not been born
I see, I think
I love, I hate
But I have not been born

I can’t help but morn
I can’t help but morn
I’m sick, I hear
I’m used, I use
But I can’t help but morn

There was text on the other side. Seems like existential angst. The paper is very yellowed. I must have been very young: 16 – 18 years old. I kept it folded up, and never threw it away. Today I will, but perhaps I will be able to remember how I felt when I wrote this. Oh well, here we go:

I am many people, yet only one. I argue against myself and for myself. I am strange and so full of many people’s combined energies. Some things I adore and hate at the same time. My life is a confusing mass. I knew not what to do so I worked. I realized something must be done even though I didn’t realize it, so every day before I came to school I’d say, “Okay, who am I today?” Then I would assume a role: The princess, the soldier, the diplomat, La Princesa, etc. On weekends I would allow myself to be Aless, or Leor or Nera. Never myself, never ever myself.
I took only one track at a time or maybe two. I was so knowledgable of who I was then. I’d ask myself over and over, “Who am I?” “What am I?” and I would answer “A collection of cells,” “a cadet,” etc. but never Rosalyn.

Actual sex is depressing. [I’m only talking about kissing, okay?]
Today I am Rosalyn, a dangerous state where lives live simultaneously.
How I long for violence. How I love bloody deaths and disgusting things. How I loathe and adore such things as that.
L mode is my savior
An ordered reliable state.
See, look and see how my thoughts wander.
Many thoughts.
Many people’s thoughts.
Yet only mine.

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About rozzychan

Rosalyn Hunter is the principal writer on the series Lunatics. Please support us. http://lunatics.tv

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