Today I had a talk with my husband about the future. What we plan to do, what we hope to do, what we have already done, and how it will affect us. But as we looked at what we had been doing, what stood out for me is how I have been limiting myself.
The dreams of my youth were to be a famous writer, and to have success, money, prestige, and love. Well. one out of five ain’t bad.
Actually, it is!
I don’t do the things that I need to do to get what I say that I want. I can’t go to that film festival. It’s too far away. The gas alone would ruin us. I can’t waste time writing that. I have lesson plans to do. You gotta keep your day job. It’s what puts food on the table.
If I was successfully doing what I liked doing, I wouldn’t resent working hard. I wouldn’t mind spending extra time. If film-making were my job going to film festivals would be part of my job, not something extra that wasn’t worth the money.
Sometimes the safe choice isn’t safe at all.
Whenever I try to plan to go toward my dreams, I cut myself off saying that this is ridiculous. I do this over and over. Over time, my horizons get closer. My choices get fewer. My prospects become more sparse.
Not only does this keep me from ever attaining my dreams, it also makes me unhappy with where I am, so that I don’t do my paying work well. I end up hurt and trapped. A failure before I begin.
It seems that when I take the rational choice, the logical choice, the safe choice, what I am really doing is saying that I am not good enough to succeed at what I hope to do. It isn’t other people cutting me down.
My worst enemy is myself.